forty days of gratitude

i found my forty days of something! woohoo. Forty days of gratitude. So, here's a start. I'm thankful for a place to call home. That's warm and cuddly with soft blankets. Amazing parents. A loving brother. My fantastic four who keep me uplifted and sane everyday. For a good job, as much as I throw tantrums in my head about having to be there. For the gems disguised as coworkers who've become my mentors and closest friends. For trials! I am stronger than yesterday *cues dance*.  For growth. Growing pains couldn't be more accurate. For mental peace. Good in, good out. I think I'm finally getting the hang of it. For good relationships with past loves. It makes life so much easier. #stressforwhat. And for God, for never giving up on me.

fortydaysofanything

one of my longest and best friends (11 years to date) sent me a link fortydaysdating.com
needless to say, i found myself trapped in this blog about two friends who decided to do a social experiment and date for forty days. I identified with Jessie. I saw mirrors of myself and similar actions in past relationships. often too accommodating, available, too candid, giving too much, complex, introvert, intuitive, enigma. naturally attracted to the extrovert. but only if i'm into someone. otherwise, i'm fleeting, dismissive, detached. i feel like my candor sprung from many voices telling me i was too guarded early in life. i wouldn't let anyone in. so i attempted this free spirit, speak your soul strategy, which of course is the epitome of vulnerability and we know what happens next. i'm now curious to try my own forty days of something and document it. i'm always here for experiments and new things.

hello my friend

sak pa se.  i wonder how you are sometimes. bonjour.

2014

a year of immense love
growth, pain, and conquering
2014, you've blessed me with invaluable life experiences
I am thankful for them all
the magical and the terrible
2015, I welcome you with arms open wide
I'm more than ready for all the beauty you have to offer
-lana

Need a vacay.
A beach and some sand.
There's no vacay in sight.

a moment of thanks

I thank God for
friends in far places
that feel closer than my heartbeat
for sight when I'm blind
for pain
because it allows us to appreciate joy
for hours that go by when I forget to check my phone
because I'm too busy being
present.
for the beauty of love
and the greater joy found in truth
for new days
endless forgiveness
for growth
for rules to protect us
I thank God for his grace
His love for me, flawed as I am

-rab

10.21.14

Set me free, leave me be. I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity.

165

That moment when last season's pants no longer fit. #teamyogapants #leggingsdontjudge

No greater love

By Rachael Lampa takes me back to a dimly lit highschool sanctuary at vespers when my biggest before life was complex and decisions were so difficult.

on soulmates

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master."

I've cried rivers, I've felt my deepest pain. I've been forced to deal with parts of me I've always hid. You may have been my soulmate but it's too painful to stay.

Listening to John Mayer "Comfortable".
Consequently, in my feels.

At 25

I've learned that
Texting back is optional
And so is returning phone calls
You don't have to have it all figured out
Mistakes will be made
You may feel like you're regressing
Despite science claims that the brain has reached it's full maturity
Old. Flames. Never. Die
They just dim in the background of all the noise
The first love is the deepest
My skin is still unusually soft
Almost as my head is hard
Love doesn't hurt
People do
I'm stronger than I think
And more valuable than I believe

Surreal

The craziest, unthinkable, most amazing thing happened. It felt like a dream. Perhaps, it was.

You're a bad habit

You're a bad habit 

That I can't seem to break

I woke up like this

Hungry
Not the kind food can fix
thirsty, passionate
Ready to yank my dreams by the hair
And go madly in its direction

to you

it's been nearly three years since we've intruded each others lives, sometimes unwanted, but somehow invited. I remember the emotions clear as day; your signature "smiling", your surprising charm. the first conversation we had in my apartment kitchen in Forest Hills; it flowed so naturally. you were full of surprises. you gave me Mumford & Sons "The Cave" and Solveig's "Hello" but you could quickly switch to Montano's "Advantage" or Adele's "One and Only. you had layers, beautiful layers.

i lost myself in you. I found my way out. your personality so strong, so magnetic, so overwhelming. I crumbled. I melted. I slowly rose back up. You pushed me into your shadow and I pushed you into mine. two forces clashing, stubborn, headstrong, passionate, beautiful, painful.

i learned that beauty is only within. my views and perceptions are not always right--no matter how convicted or passionate i feel about them. treat people like people. i'd been living years of vicious cycles, with enablers and like-minded people. burning bridges, delete, delete, delete. but not you. you hold on, maybe too much. maybe you're too forgiving. maybe you're terrible at moving on. but i learned regardless. if you must go, opt for the easy letdown. put yourself in their shoes. treat people like people.

coffee with a double shot of depresso

my head feels foggy
some days
i am d o i n g t o o m u c h
and here is where
feelings of incompetency creep in
uninvited

today was Mentor Session 1
the kids were wonderful
i wouldn't replace them
engaged, interested, knowledgeable
me?

unprepared
brain fart
i stumbled on giving characteristics of a living thing
i did manage to sound excited throughout it all

next week is The Cell Model
It'll be better
I'll be better
I'll be prepared
and knowledgable, and I'll have flash cards, and definitions, and *mumbles off into distance*

now for this Practicum mandatory terrible class that I must take as well
deeper sigh
I'm going to need to invest more time
and effort
and not let this ruin me.

and now for life
no pain no gain has never been more evident than these past few seasons
and boy am I gaining

i'm really good at disappearing
and running away
and avoiding difficult questions
sorry.

My day