Listening to John Mayer "Comfortable".
Consequently, in my feels.

At 25

I've learned that
Texting back is optional
And so is returning phone calls
You don't have to have it all figured out
Mistakes will be made
You may feel like you're regressing
Despite science claims that the brain has reached it's full maturity
Old. Flames. Never. Die
They just dim in the background of all the noise
The first love is the deepest
My skin is still unusually soft
Almost as my head is hard
Love doesn't hurt
People do
I'm stronger than I think
And more valuable than I believe

Surreal

The craziest, unthinkable, most amazing thing happened. It felt like a dream. Perhaps, it was.

You're a bad habit

You're a bad habit 

That I can't seem to break

I woke up like this

Hungry
Not the kind food can fix
thirsty, passionate
Ready to yank my dreams by the hair
And go madly in its direction

to you

it's been nearly three years since we've intruded each others lives, sometimes unwanted, but somehow invited. I remember the emotions clear as day; your signature "smiling", your surprising charm. the first conversation we had in my apartment kitchen in Forest Hills; it flowed so naturally. you were full of surprises. you gave me Mumford & Sons "The Cave" and Solveig's "Hello" but you could quickly switch to Montano's "Advantage" or Adele's "One and Only. you had layers, beautiful layers.

i lost myself in you. I found my way out. your personality so strong, so magnetic, so overwhelming. I crumbled. I melted. I slowly rose back up. You pushed me into your shadow and I pushed you into mine. two forces clashing, stubborn, headstrong, passionate, beautiful, painful.

i learned that beauty is only within. my views and perceptions are not always right--no matter how convicted or passionate i feel about them. treat people like people. i'd been living years of vicious cycles, with enablers and like-minded people. burning bridges, delete, delete, delete. but not you. you hold on, maybe too much. maybe you're too forgiving. maybe you're terrible at moving on. but i learned regardless. if you must go, opt for the easy letdown. put yourself in their shoes. treat people like people.

coffee with a double shot of depresso

my head feels foggy
some days
i am d o i n g t o o m u c h
and here is where
feelings of incompetency creep in
uninvited

today was Mentor Session 1
the kids were wonderful
i wouldn't replace them
engaged, interested, knowledgeable
me?

unprepared
brain fart
i stumbled on giving characteristics of a living thing
i did manage to sound excited throughout it all

next week is The Cell Model
It'll be better
I'll be better
I'll be prepared
and knowledgable, and I'll have flash cards, and definitions, and *mumbles off into distance*

now for this Practicum mandatory terrible class that I must take as well
deeper sigh
I'm going to need to invest more time
and effort
and not let this ruin me.

and now for life
no pain no gain has never been more evident than these past few seasons
and boy am I gaining

i'm really good at disappearing
and running away
and avoiding difficult questions
sorry.

My day

Fa la la la la

Shining bright for the new year! Skin care goodies from my best. 

To my left is the sporadic giggler. In front and behind are the chronic coughers. Across the aisle is the Chinese takeout because I must have an entire dinner as I travel. 

Bus rides. 

I met angels tonight. Or rather, the rare breed of good people that still exist. Stranded in 12 degrees Celsius over 200 miles away from home, a warm couple offered me a ride to my final destination. At first, I resisted and assured them my ride would show any minute now. But, as time ticked by and no trace of my ride was found (and my fingers began to numb) I took them up on their offer. They actually sat parked in their car waiting and watching me in a vast empty parking lot to make sure I got a ride.

If that wasn't enough they gave me door to door service, a 5 mile drive to my destination. The husband, a lawyer and Notre Dame alum. The wife, a former nurse at Memorial South Bend. Both names and places I'd been familiar with having spent five collegiate years in southern Michigan. 

Needless to say, I affirmed two things tonight: good people still exist. And I will be entering 2014 without baggage. Cues in goodbye to you. 

Legitimately disappointed with this semester's grades. 3.67. Two A minuses in classes that I held an A in the entire semester prior to the final exam. It feels like undergrad all over again, when I watch a final grade etched into my transcript forever. Minus signs that can't be erased but only watered down with future stellar performance. What I've learned is "this race isn't for the swift, but for the one who endures to the end".

 I was swift, but I didn't endure til the end. I tired, became way too comfortable and lackadaisical towards the end of the semester. I didn't study for my epi final and took my intro final on shaky wifi on a flight to Jamaica. So there went my pretty A to an ugly minus sign. Next semester is stats so I just might live at school--again. 2014, please be good. And by good I mean, 4.0.

Signed,

On time out til further notice.

Not leaving. 

My mom told me to pack colors. Airport bound and thinking I can't wait til the next season of GIRLS premieres in January. Hannah makes me feel better about life. 

Went legging shopping. Was convinced I found a pair thick enough to brace the biting cold. Until, the cash register read "nightwear". Watch me wear these in the day. 

Tragedy is a hell of a sedative. It sobers you up. Rids of all mischief, replaces it with solemnity and reflection. A young lady is missing. A graduate of one our sister schools. I don't know her. As the story progresses it doesn't seem hopeful that she'll be found. It troubles and saddens me deeply and is an unwanted reminder of the sick world we live in. Still praying for a turn around that she'll be found--safe.

Also, praying for next week's trip. As I'll be traveling un.

Today I opted for a deep plum lip, to counter the luminescent rays shooting from the sky on this bitter cold December day. 

oh, clementine

it's day seven of straight working and my brain is rather frazzled, which means I instinctively lose inhibition, become vulnerable and start to crave all the bad things. so i sat here resisting temptation, popping my fourth clementine, peg by peg and decided to check my student account for any new assignments or announcements. and a beacon of light descended from heaven, or rather, my professor emailed us saying CLASS IS CANCELLED. well, maybe not in those words or caps, but that's how I read it, that's how the letters screamed through the screen. I almost replied with an exaggerated YAYYYYYYY, but I refrained. let's maintain some level of professionalism, right?

So, now I have all this free time which means I'm forced into productivity. Ew.